The new Lonely Island Album is called "Turtleneck & Chain". It sucks in comparison to "Incredibad", their first album.
It's worth a listen-to though.
That'll be all.
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Frickin' Laser Beemz In Your Ocularz
Personal/Regular Background Information
Last Tuesday I overheard a conversation between two co-workers. They were discussing laser eye surgery, something I've wanted to do for MANY years. It was always one of those things I considered in the category of "Damn, that'd be cool if I was rich and shit."
I didn't think much of it until I heard a friend of mine say that there was a short time promotion to get the surgery done for $300 per eye. The normal cost is anywhere from $1500 to $2000 per eye for the top of the line surgery.
I joined the coversation and talked about it with both parties, one of which has had the very same surgery done two years ago at the same place: The Lasik Vision Institute in Burlington, Mass (detailed info will be included at the end of this article).
After delving deeper into the conversation I learned that three seperate co-workers have had this surgery done; and again, at the same place. At that point my concerns that this was a bullshit black-market situation were pretty much taken care of. The place was obviously legit.
Booking Information
I called the Institute two days later, on Thursday. They were very accommodating. It was very easy to get answers to my questions, and even easier to set up a FREE eye-diagnosis appointment.
The free appointment includes somewhere around 6-8 testing sessions including cornea-thickness (get probed in the eye), regular eye exams (the same basic ones that will cost you $100 at your local eye doctor), and several other interactions with inexplicably complex machinery.
Note: If the probe decides that your Cornea is not thick enough, you are not eligible for the surgery (Otherwise the high-powered laser will actually burn through every defense that your eye has; blinding you permanently! :D). You are also ineligible if you have a history of epilepsy, as many of the machines seem like they're fucking designed to cause seizures.
The Testing/Diagnosis Day
On Thursday (February 17th, 2011) I had my testing/diagnosis appointment at 2:00 P.M.
It took me about 1 hour and 15 minutes to get to the lab located in Burlington, MA from Coventry, RI.
I walked into the office, was tended to, and brought to some sort of machine. Before I did or said anything, I was told by a nurse (or some shit) that my bill would be $2,700. I was like woa, you fucking serious breh? Your website clearly says $300 per eye.
It turns out, the $300 per eye "deal" only applies to those with near PERFECT vision. That's when you can envision me going: "Oh THATS how this promotion fucks people over".
Basically, the worse your vision (which is mandated by your glasses/contacts prescrip) the more you need to pay. My vision was close to nearly the worst, costing me a BASE of $1400 PER eye.
That price plus a lifetime of coverage cost me $3,000. That's $120 per month for two years with $0 down and %0 interest for those two years.
The testing process is long and in-depth, taking around 2+ hours. The entire process as a whole is incredibly long and in-depth; I will get into this shortly.
You will meet with many doctors and nurses, visit a whole shit-load of seizure-inducing machines, and most prominently: WAIT...WAIT....WAIT...AND WAIT SOME MORE.
None of the tests hurt at all. Other than the waiting period, it's painless.
Surgery Day
I had my tests done on Thursday, and they offered me a surgery appointment as soon as fucking Friday, the next day. I had work that day so I deferred to a Saturday appointment.
I went in at 2:15 P.M.
I waited around and got some orientation before being sent to a prep area. There they gave me an embarassing hairnet and matching shoe covers to limit the amount of bullshit entering the operating room.
After a fuckload of waiting and more micro-orientations, I was called into the operating room.
THIS NEXT SECTION CONTAINS SHIT THAT MAY CONVINCE YOU TO NEVER GET LASER EYE SURGERY EVER. IF YOU PLAN ON GETTING THE SURGERY DONT FUCKING READ IT; especially if you're a puss
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Upon entering the room I realized that the videos I've seen years ago are nothing like the procedures that they do now.
You begin by laying down on a generic doctors bed thinga-majig that is angled slightly down so that all the blood runs directly to your stupid fucking head.
Once they line you up with the laser that hovers directly over your head, tuck your balls in; because here it is: (by far) the worst part. There is an orange light that flickers rapidly (another fuck-you to kids with epilepsy) to direct your precise eye-contact.
Before that little flickering light is ready to fucking burn your shit up, your eye needs to be as still and controlled as possible. This is why they do this next demonic technique:
The surgeon basically needs to hold your eye still. Especially because humans are not capable of doing so.(to the right degree, that is). They place a "frame" to keep you eye from being able to move. This frame is basically a metal object that is pushed over your eye to pop the cornea out.
To achieve this, an ENORMOUS amount of pressure is required directly on EACH eye.
My best description of this stage of the surgery is like having your eyeball (twice, if you're having both eyes done) fucking squished to shit in a nutcracker. For me it got to the point where I really doubted that my left eye (my left eye was more painful than my right) was going to be usable in the future. There was such a maddening amount of pressure put on my eyes for each prep stage it felt like they were going to explode.
Pro-tip: They won't. Your eyes are incredibly sensititve. I had the slight fortune of wearing contacts for a few years which desensitizes your eyes to some degree. Despite my silent panic, I layed there motionless and quiet until it was over.
Each eye, including prep and the actual laser correction, takes only five minutes or so.
Interesting fact: The actual laser treatment sounds like a machine-gun. It is painless, but burns your eyes and they may smoke. The smoke smells like a cap gun has just been fired.
Post Op(eration) Procedures
After your procedure is finished, you're going to have a solid amount of underwater vision. Everything will be blurry. However, the number one priority after surgery is to keep your eyes closed. After surgery you will be required to stay at the office for at LEAST 30 minutes.
After 30 minutes (or more) you are allowed to leave. When you get home you are required to sleep (or lay down with your eyes closed if you cant sleep) for 3 to 5 hours.
When you wake up from that nap, you will begin your two week regimen of eye-drops. The eye drops include artficial tears, anti-inflammatory drops, and anti-biotic drops.
You will be supplied with most (you will be asked/forced to buy artificial tears) of the drops and a schedule that informs you of when to take them.
Location Information
Lasik Vision Institute
50 Burlington Mall Road
Burlington, MA 01803
http://www.lasikvisioninstitute.com/
1-877-274-1797
Call for free evaluation dipshits.
Last Tuesday I overheard a conversation between two co-workers. They were discussing laser eye surgery, something I've wanted to do for MANY years. It was always one of those things I considered in the category of "Damn, that'd be cool if I was rich and shit."
I didn't think much of it until I heard a friend of mine say that there was a short time promotion to get the surgery done for $300 per eye. The normal cost is anywhere from $1500 to $2000 per eye for the top of the line surgery.
I joined the coversation and talked about it with both parties, one of which has had the very same surgery done two years ago at the same place: The Lasik Vision Institute in Burlington, Mass (detailed info will be included at the end of this article).
After delving deeper into the conversation I learned that three seperate co-workers have had this surgery done; and again, at the same place. At that point my concerns that this was a bullshit black-market situation were pretty much taken care of. The place was obviously legit.
Booking Information
I called the Institute two days later, on Thursday. They were very accommodating. It was very easy to get answers to my questions, and even easier to set up a FREE eye-diagnosis appointment.
The free appointment includes somewhere around 6-8 testing sessions including cornea-thickness (get probed in the eye), regular eye exams (the same basic ones that will cost you $100 at your local eye doctor), and several other interactions with inexplicably complex machinery.
Note: If the probe decides that your Cornea is not thick enough, you are not eligible for the surgery (Otherwise the high-powered laser will actually burn through every defense that your eye has; blinding you permanently! :D). You are also ineligible if you have a history of epilepsy, as many of the machines seem like they're fucking designed to cause seizures.
The Testing/Diagnosis Day
On Thursday (February 17th, 2011) I had my testing/diagnosis appointment at 2:00 P.M.
It took me about 1 hour and 15 minutes to get to the lab located in Burlington, MA from Coventry, RI.
I walked into the office, was tended to, and brought to some sort of machine. Before I did or said anything, I was told by a nurse (or some shit) that my bill would be $2,700. I was like woa, you fucking serious breh? Your website clearly says $300 per eye.
It turns out, the $300 per eye "deal" only applies to those with near PERFECT vision. That's when you can envision me going: "Oh THATS how this promotion fucks people over".
Basically, the worse your vision (which is mandated by your glasses/contacts prescrip) the more you need to pay. My vision was close to nearly the worst, costing me a BASE of $1400 PER eye.
That price plus a lifetime of coverage cost me $3,000. That's $120 per month for two years with $0 down and %0 interest for those two years.
The testing process is long and in-depth, taking around 2+ hours. The entire process as a whole is incredibly long and in-depth; I will get into this shortly.
You will meet with many doctors and nurses, visit a whole shit-load of seizure-inducing machines, and most prominently: WAIT...WAIT....WAIT...AND WAIT SOME MORE.
None of the tests hurt at all. Other than the waiting period, it's painless.
Surgery Day
I had my tests done on Thursday, and they offered me a surgery appointment as soon as fucking Friday, the next day. I had work that day so I deferred to a Saturday appointment.
I went in at 2:15 P.M.
I waited around and got some orientation before being sent to a prep area. There they gave me an embarassing hairnet and matching shoe covers to limit the amount of bullshit entering the operating room.
After a fuckload of waiting and more micro-orientations, I was called into the operating room.
THIS NEXT SECTION CONTAINS SHIT THAT MAY CONVINCE YOU TO NEVER GET LASER EYE SURGERY EVER. IF YOU PLAN ON GETTING THE SURGERY DONT FUCKING READ IT; especially if you're a puss
.buffer
..buffer
...buffer
....buffer
.....buffer
......buffer
.......buffer
.buffer end.
Upon entering the room I realized that the videos I've seen years ago are nothing like the procedures that they do now.
You begin by laying down on a generic doctors bed thinga-majig that is angled slightly down so that all the blood runs directly to your stupid fucking head.
Once they line you up with the laser that hovers directly over your head, tuck your balls in; because here it is: (by far) the worst part. There is an orange light that flickers rapidly (another fuck-you to kids with epilepsy) to direct your precise eye-contact.
Before that little flickering light is ready to fucking burn your shit up, your eye needs to be as still and controlled as possible. This is why they do this next demonic technique:
The surgeon basically needs to hold your eye still. Especially because humans are not capable of doing so.(to the right degree, that is). They place a "frame" to keep you eye from being able to move. This frame is basically a metal object that is pushed over your eye to pop the cornea out.
To achieve this, an ENORMOUS amount of pressure is required directly on EACH eye.
My best description of this stage of the surgery is like having your eyeball (twice, if you're having both eyes done) fucking squished to shit in a nutcracker. For me it got to the point where I really doubted that my left eye (my left eye was more painful than my right) was going to be usable in the future. There was such a maddening amount of pressure put on my eyes for each prep stage it felt like they were going to explode.
Pro-tip: They won't. Your eyes are incredibly sensititve. I had the slight fortune of wearing contacts for a few years which desensitizes your eyes to some degree. Despite my silent panic, I layed there motionless and quiet until it was over.
Each eye, including prep and the actual laser correction, takes only five minutes or so.
Interesting fact: The actual laser treatment sounds like a machine-gun. It is painless, but burns your eyes and they may smoke. The smoke smells like a cap gun has just been fired.
Post Op(eration) Procedures
After your procedure is finished, you're going to have a solid amount of underwater vision. Everything will be blurry. However, the number one priority after surgery is to keep your eyes closed. After surgery you will be required to stay at the office for at LEAST 30 minutes.
After 30 minutes (or more) you are allowed to leave. When you get home you are required to sleep (or lay down with your eyes closed if you cant sleep) for 3 to 5 hours.
When you wake up from that nap, you will begin your two week regimen of eye-drops. The eye drops include artficial tears, anti-inflammatory drops, and anti-biotic drops.
You will be supplied with most (you will be asked/forced to buy artificial tears) of the drops and a schedule that informs you of when to take them.
Location Information
Lasik Vision Institute
50 Burlington Mall Road
Burlington, MA 01803
http://www.lasikvisioninstitute.com/
1-877-274-1797
Call for free evaluation dipshits.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Awesome Lesson #3: 3-D
Guns. Are. Awesome.
I. Taught. Myself. 3-D Design. To. Model. Guns.
I. Am. Bad. At. Texturing.
The. Texture. You. See. Is. A. JPEG. UV-MAPPED. Onto. My. Hi-Poly. Model.
Blog spam ended for now! (Clicking on the photo might be necessary for full res.)
I. Taught. Myself. 3-D Design. To. Model. Guns.
I. Am. Bad. At. Texturing.
The. Texture. You. See. Is. A. JPEG. UV-MAPPED. Onto. My. Hi-Poly. Model.
Blog spam ended for now! (Clicking on the photo might be necessary for full res.)
Photoshop Lesson #2
I'm cranking out shitty blog updates like it's my job. If my job we're making shitty blog updates... well, let's just say that they are newer than the updates made slightly before them. Get on my level.
Here's another post courtesy of my bullshit Digital Art class! The project was to create the shittiest mythological scene possible. I failed to the largest extent I could manage. Therefore, I'm the business.
Here's another tutorial for badkins:
Step 1: Find a sweet mythological creature.
Step 2: Find another sweet mythological creature to keep him company.
Step 3: Merge them into a scene and add a personal touch. Wait, was that awesome three-dimensional gryphon stone there before? Idk whatever.
Here's another post courtesy of my bullshit Digital Art class! The project was to create the shittiest mythological scene possible. I failed to the largest extent I could manage. Therefore, I'm the business.
Here's another tutorial for badkins:
Step 1: Find a sweet mythological creature.
Step 2: Find another sweet mythological creature to keep him company.
Step 3: Merge them into a scene and add a personal touch. Wait, was that awesome three-dimensional gryphon stone there before? Idk whatever.
How To Be A Boss At Prehistoric Photoshop
Let's be brief: my new embedded video fucks up my layout, covering up my own hotlinks. I need to post some shitty shit, as soon as shit!
Shitty Post #1: How to be a Prehistoric Photoshop Boss. Compliments of me wrecking my sophomore digital art class (probably more to come...I wrecked it pretty fucking hard).
Here's a very vague step-by-step. So fucking vague you'll say: "What the fuck is the point of this?". Vague as shit.
Step 1: Find a picture of the biggest ass-ruining badass of all time.
Step 2: Find a somewhat accurate picture of the bone structure of said badass creature:
Step 3: Illegally download Photoshop. Install it. Be a badass at Photoshop. Use layer masks. Be creative.
One student received an A for this project (project: create an art piece using personal skills) by creating a picture made out of macaroni, much like I might have in second grade.
I received a C for this project in my digital art class. Fuck digital art professors who work at CCRI... I am better.
Shitty Post #1: How to be a Prehistoric Photoshop Boss. Compliments of me wrecking my sophomore digital art class (probably more to come...I wrecked it pretty fucking hard).
Here's a very vague step-by-step. So fucking vague you'll say: "What the fuck is the point of this?". Vague as shit.
Step 1: Find a picture of the biggest ass-ruining badass of all time.
Step 2: Find a somewhat accurate picture of the bone structure of said badass creature:
Step 3: Illegally download Photoshop. Install it. Be a badass at Photoshop. Use layer masks. Be creative.
One student received an A for this project (project: create an art piece using personal skills) by creating a picture made out of macaroni, much like I might have in second grade.
I received a C for this project in my digital art class. Fuck digital art professors who work at CCRI... I am better.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
My Skydiving Event: The Video!
My first attempt at embedding a video. To be precise, my first attempt at embedding my own youtube video. To be more precise, my first attempt at embedding my first youtube video that I uploaded for the first time firstly upon the first day of first first first first first fir...
Also, I have a new post right below this, don't miss it, it's new!
Also, I have a new post right below this, don't miss it, it's new!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
My Newest Occupation
To be honest I'm quite intoxicated at the moment. Spelling errors will be fixed when I am capable.
So, 2+ years after Mobil On The Run got straight up CANNED by myself, I finally got another mother fucking job. Two years of legitimate effort mind you.
I asked many friends for a lead in what is and was one of the worst job markets in my lifetime. Several tried, one succeeded. Many calls and worthless interviews later I landed a job due to the epic work of Brian D.
Several months beforehand I had a personally unprecedented traumatic event which mega-fucked my brain, causing me to feel deep sickness in any situation relevant to that day and event. For example, it was over four months before my stomach could handle visiting even just one friend of mine without becoming very ill.
Onto the job. I scored a job working in an environmental laboratory. We specialize in the testing and analyzation of soils and water samples. For example, if you wanted to build a playground, you'd send us soil samples to ensure that area was more life supporting than something like, I don't know, Chernobyl.
I can definitely understand that logic. However... Every day we get samples that are clearly marked: "URGENT". MOTHER-FUCKING URGENT!!!1!11!
These samples must be analyzed immediately and results must be sent back the same day. I perform these such tests, and I specialize in pH and moisture values of these such samples. Which leads me to one very real question...
WHO THE FUCK NEEDS THIS TYPE OF DATA WITHIN HOURS OF SUBMITTING IT?!?!
Literally, what situation calls for this type of haste? Our largest client is the Environmental Protection Agency(EPA). Are they planting the worlds largest fucking government garden or some shit?
Think of even the largest scale farm-based agency/company (whoever the fuck that might be). This company is expected to provide a shitload of food for an entire community. Try telling your town that no one can eat jack shit because some assholes are figuring out how much moisture is in the fucking dirt.
WHO GIVES A FUCK
SO maybe it turns out that the moisture in the dirt is satisfactory (something we tell them based on age-old data). Thank god right? NO!
Who gives a fuck about soil moisture! We still have to run pH tests! No, this isn't your god damn outdoor pool, IT'S LIFE
Now our samples aren't from tap water or something relevant that you could make sense of. They're from dirty swamps and shit. Seemingly destroying all credibility these pH tests had.
My point in summary: What is it that you need to know so fucking quickly about a random swamp's pH level could really be that urgent!?
Not to mention our company can be fined up to and over 15 thousand dollars for as little as an illegible reading in a logbook.
Maybe one day I'll become an EPA pool technician, and I'll permanently spike the pH levels to burn the eyes of EPA employees in their own government pool.
Just maybe.
So, 2+ years after Mobil On The Run got straight up CANNED by myself, I finally got another mother fucking job. Two years of legitimate effort mind you.
I asked many friends for a lead in what is and was one of the worst job markets in my lifetime. Several tried, one succeeded. Many calls and worthless interviews later I landed a job due to the epic work of Brian D.
Several months beforehand I had a personally unprecedented traumatic event which mega-fucked my brain, causing me to feel deep sickness in any situation relevant to that day and event. For example, it was over four months before my stomach could handle visiting even just one friend of mine without becoming very ill.
Onto the job. I scored a job working in an environmental laboratory. We specialize in the testing and analyzation of soils and water samples. For example, if you wanted to build a playground, you'd send us soil samples to ensure that area was more life supporting than something like, I don't know, Chernobyl.
I can definitely understand that logic. However... Every day we get samples that are clearly marked: "URGENT". MOTHER-FUCKING URGENT!!!1!11!
These samples must be analyzed immediately and results must be sent back the same day. I perform these such tests, and I specialize in pH and moisture values of these such samples. Which leads me to one very real question...
WHO THE FUCK NEEDS THIS TYPE OF DATA WITHIN HOURS OF SUBMITTING IT?!?!
Literally, what situation calls for this type of haste? Our largest client is the Environmental Protection Agency(EPA). Are they planting the worlds largest fucking government garden or some shit?
Think of even the largest scale farm-based agency/company (whoever the fuck that might be). This company is expected to provide a shitload of food for an entire community. Try telling your town that no one can eat jack shit because some assholes are figuring out how much moisture is in the fucking dirt.
WHO GIVES A FUCK
SO maybe it turns out that the moisture in the dirt is satisfactory (something we tell them based on age-old data). Thank god right? NO!
Who gives a fuck about soil moisture! We still have to run pH tests! No, this isn't your god damn outdoor pool, IT'S LIFE
Now our samples aren't from tap water or something relevant that you could make sense of. They're from dirty swamps and shit. Seemingly destroying all credibility these pH tests had.
My point in summary: What is it that you need to know so fucking quickly about a random swamp's pH level could really be that urgent!?
Not to mention our company can be fined up to and over 15 thousand dollars for as little as an illegible reading in a logbook.
Maybe one day I'll become an EPA pool technician, and I'll permanently spike the pH levels to burn the eyes of EPA employees in their own government pool.
Just maybe.
Friday, April 23, 2010
The Game of Civil. A Paintball Phenomenon.
As you can see I've changed the title of the blog to something equally as accurate as it was before.
To complement the new change I've decided to share something that I wish to never forget, the game of Civil.
Several years ago, we had the opportunity to transform the woods adjacent to our local Job Lot into a paintball field. We spent many a conspicuous day walking home out of the woods with shovels in hand as if we had just buried someone we had perviously murdered, but a few weeks afterwards, it was finished. Despite our laziness, we actually managed to build a pretty satisfactory field to play in.
We then gathered the troops and had great times shooting eachother during our various games. After so many games, we decided that it wasn't quite enough. Our field was large, but with 4 to 6 participants, there were often stalemates or breaks in the action.
Next to our field was another. A large and grassy field behind a big stupid waste-of-space church. Much like Hitler, my comrades and me decided what we had wasn't good enough, and we invaded the churchlands to wage war.
We came up with an idea for a game that would never be lacking in action or the sight of our friends in pain:
- However many players there were would be divided into two teams (provided it was an even number)
- Each team would stand facing each other many yards apart, much like that of Civil War combat (those fucking retards)
- One team would be decided to fire first
- Each member on the firing squad would have one shot each
- If a member of the opposing team was hit (unbroken paintballs did not count), they would be required to scream in agony and dramatically fall to the ground
- If all members of the opposing team were not hit, they were allowed to fire upon the other team in the same manner
- If both teams had players left (which they often did), they would march forward two large paces
- This cycle would continue until one team was eliminated
Here is a rough diagram of what the setup looked like:
This game created some incredibly tense moments. Knowing you were about to get shot was a pretty exciting experience. Players would often cover their balls with their own guns while being shot at, leaving their faces exposed.
We didn't play with masks you say? Oh, we did. But one such incident proved that masks do not entirely protect your shit face. On one occasion, Malbert packed his gun with extremely hard paintballs and a fresh can of Co2 (the gas that packs the punch in paintball guns). He shot our friend John in the mask. However, the force of the paint exploding from the ball, and through to small slits in Johns mask, cut Johns gums open and caused him to bleed profusely.
Other shots ripped through clothing and even were known to bounce off the ground and eliminate players (me, for example).
Though this game is unique to our creativity and more importantly to our memories, I challenge those to contest that this is not one of the most badass games ever created.
To complement the new change I've decided to share something that I wish to never forget, the game of Civil.
Several years ago, we had the opportunity to transform the woods adjacent to our local Job Lot into a paintball field. We spent many a conspicuous day walking home out of the woods with shovels in hand as if we had just buried someone we had perviously murdered, but a few weeks afterwards, it was finished. Despite our laziness, we actually managed to build a pretty satisfactory field to play in.
We then gathered the troops and had great times shooting eachother during our various games. After so many games, we decided that it wasn't quite enough. Our field was large, but with 4 to 6 participants, there were often stalemates or breaks in the action.
Next to our field was another. A large and grassy field behind a big stupid waste-of-space church. Much like Hitler, my comrades and me decided what we had wasn't good enough, and we invaded the churchlands to wage war.
We came up with an idea for a game that would never be lacking in action or the sight of our friends in pain:
- However many players there were would be divided into two teams (provided it was an even number)
- Each team would stand facing each other many yards apart, much like that of Civil War combat (those fucking retards)
- One team would be decided to fire first
- Each member on the firing squad would have one shot each
- If a member of the opposing team was hit (unbroken paintballs did not count), they would be required to scream in agony and dramatically fall to the ground
- If all members of the opposing team were not hit, they were allowed to fire upon the other team in the same manner
- If both teams had players left (which they often did), they would march forward two large paces
- This cycle would continue until one team was eliminated
Here is a rough diagram of what the setup looked like:
This game created some incredibly tense moments. Knowing you were about to get shot was a pretty exciting experience. Players would often cover their balls with their own guns while being shot at, leaving their faces exposed.
We didn't play with masks you say? Oh, we did. But one such incident proved that masks do not entirely protect your shit face. On one occasion, Malbert packed his gun with extremely hard paintballs and a fresh can of Co2 (the gas that packs the punch in paintball guns). He shot our friend John in the mask. However, the force of the paint exploding from the ball, and through to small slits in Johns mask, cut Johns gums open and caused him to bleed profusely.
Other shots ripped through clothing and even were known to bounce off the ground and eliminate players (me, for example).
Though this game is unique to our creativity and more importantly to our memories, I challenge those to contest that this is not one of the most badass games ever created.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Danatello - The Ninja Turtle Phenomenon
The Ninja Turtles were the heroes of my childhood. It wasn't until recently that I realized that the Ninja Turtles were based off of me and my stupid friends.
Raphael, Leonardo, Donatello, and Michaelangelo.
The Ninja Turtles are the shit. Far be it from me to consider my friends and I contributing members of the Renaissance.
If it took you less than a second to understand why I said that, please cancel your internet. Also, drop out of school.
I love the Ninja Turtles, so much. But the best part is that you know them. No, dick, you know them in real life. I have a core group of friends, and I don't have room for any more. Your 768 Facebook friends that you've never met do not count.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles set an example for us all, except we don't need to be mutated to fulfill the formula. The TMNT wrecked shit, saved bitches, and shit on bad guys, and they were teenagers.
Shut the fuck up, it doesn't matter if you have an Ooze Container. Your teenage mutant shit friends are already here. So before you capture a dart frog in the Amazon, smash it up, and put it in all your friends' drinks, listen.
You already have a crime-fighting team. If you've got 3 other friends, awesome. If you have a team leader, even better. If you've got no friends, keep reading this anyway.
You don't believe me do you, you dumb asshole? Here's an example. You have to break it down:
Michaelangelo:
You're a reckless dude. More than your friends' safety you care about pizza. Instead of strategizing, you skateboard. But sometimes, you skateboard over Shredder's nutsack. By not trying, you succeed. You ride down the sewer pipe, fuck up, and fall onto a welcoming vagina. You don't do a good job, but you are rewarded for it. You are Michaelalbert Biastro
Leonardo:
You deal with shit that you really don't need to. You've got important shit to do, but your dumbass turtle friends always want to know where you're at and what you're doing. You're busy because you have to work, and all of your friends don't. Your friends just want to get drunk, eat pizza, or both. Most of the time, you're busy trying to fuck April, but shit always gets in the way, if you let it. You're Deonardo Carrero.
Donatello:
You know shit. You just want to kick someones ass, but your friends don't help. You take out your Bo Staff to smack the shit out of someone, and before you can, someone asks how to reformat their TurtlePuter. You bring up the fact that your friends are annoying you while all you're doing something that they didn't want to do. Your friends all complain that you're complaining, and you silently pledge to kill them. You eventually do it and no one really cares. You say "god damnit" and enjoy the finished product. You are Ed Smitsmattatello.
Raphael:
You have a hard shell, but when it comes down to it, you're slightly emo. You talk big, but ultimately you'll turn against your friends, no matter how wrong you are. You're strong, so nobody plays you, except whoever gets first dibs in Turtles Arcade. In that recent Turtles movie, you fight your own kind for attention. Your misadventures do nothing but reinforce the friendship of those not supporting you. You eventually submit and admit that the things that you've done were not the most admirable. That's more than Shredder can say. You're Kypheael.
Splinter:
Splinter, who do you know who seems smarter than YOU? Hard to believe I know. Who's the smart guy who seems to know little, but knows more than you know?
Right, you've got an allstar team, but no leader. Who could it be, who is this mysterious leader of your actions...
It's your parents! No matter how green, turtled-shelled, or mutant you are, your parents are your leader. Think about the turtles. If they were a bunch of human-sized turtles with no direction, they'd probably be masturbating instead of solving crimes. Splinter gave them resolve.
Next time you ask your parents for money, call them Master Splinter, they'll know what you mean.
Shredder:
Shredder evolves. You'll never have a "one-greatest-enemy". It will all depend on which chemical disease is most popular at the time.
But what if we ruled out diseases?
What if Shredder was someone you know? The Turtles knew about Shredder for a good long time. Have you ever known someone who terrified you who just kept coming back? Someone who infiltrated your personal group or your close social society? I can't think, it's too hard to figure ou......oh my god. It's your ex-girlfriend.
Remember when your girlfriend attacked you by saying "this is the end"?
Sound familiar? Shredder... Remember when you stabbed her out of rage and buried her beneath those boxes?....And then her hand triumphantly raised up through the rubble?
April:
You're the girl who decides to deal with the ridiculousness of what's happening. You're fucking Leonardo but you don't want to make it a big thing. You watch the cartoon with your boyfriend and your house burns down. You decide that's enough and go home.
Your apartment burns down.
You decide to keep buying pizzas for your turtle friends because they are likely to do you favors if you're nice to them. Raphael and Michaelangelo are playing football with pizza in your apartment like douchebags, but you laugh at it.
Another woman comes over, Raphaels foots sticks out under the curtain because he's hiding. Michaelangelo is waxing on and off all over the counter so you can't complain. Michaelangelo then throws up all over the counter and says your drawings are bad and you knock him out.
You are Carpril.
We are not so different than the stories that portray us as what we are.
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